Contentment in Marriage
By Kyle Pope
Marriage was originally
instituted to provide happiness, contentment, and companionship to mankind.
When God saw that man was alone He said in Genesis 2:18, “...It is not good
that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him” (NKJV).
In spite of God’s provision, it is clear that this is not always what happens.
Divorce rates are high, infidelity is common, and the fact that so many have
chosen to unlawfully test relationships first by “living together” before
making the full commitment of marriage shows that we often refuse to be content
with what God has provided for our happiness.
The Lord’s church is not
immune to this problem. Sadly even Christians face broken marriages and seek to
justify unlawful unions. In the church couples who were once happy face depression,
fights, and growing alienation from their mates toward whom they should feel
the closest. For Christians this is a spiritual issue that can affect where we
spend eternity. Because of this it is important to consider how husbands and
wives may attain contentment in marriage.
God Intends For
Us to be Content
When husbands and wives are unhappy, we must remember that this is
not how God wants it to be. Husbands are commanded to live contently with their wives. The
wise man taught the husband to find satisfaction in his wife “at all times” and
to be “enraptured by her love” (Prov. 5:15-20). Paul commanded husbands
not “to be bitter toward” their wives but to love them (Col. 3:19).
Wives too are to be content
with their husbands. Like husbands, wives are commanded to “love their
husbands” (Titus 2:4). God told Eve after her sin “your desire shall be
for your husband” (Gen. 3:16). In Bible times many marriages were arranged.
A woman’s choices were limited. That’s different now, but the charge to
contentment is no different. Proverbs 31:18 describes the virtuous woman who
serves her family, but we note that—“She perceives that her merchandise is
good.” This may refer to the quality of the goods she makes or prepares,
but I suspect it also refers to her attitude toward what she has. She is not
discontent with her husband, his provision for her, or the things she possesses.
She sees them as “good.” That’s contentment.
What Causes
Discontentment?
Unfortunately human beings
often disregard God’s commands and intentions for our lives. In marriage why is
this—what leads us to be discontent? Many things contribute to this:
1. The Entertainment Industry. Movies, television shows,
novels, magazines, and the internet make their money by portraying the most handsome men and
the most beautiful women in ways that encourage discontentment. This is not
just a new problem. Older shows were equally guilty of this. By portraying
ideal husbands and wives always making the right choices, a godly, healthy
self-image and view of our mates becomes damaged by unfair comparisons. Real
life is more complicated. No mate makes all the right choices. Real people have
flaws, warts, and wrinkles.
Now the thrust is more often
anti-marriage. As the media presents things joy, happiness, and excitement aren’t
found within marriage but outside of it, before it, after it, or when one it
liberated from it! The grass is not “always greener on the other side.” It is a
lie Satan tries to convince us to accept. We must ask, if all the joy is
outside of marriage why do people continue to seek permanent companionship?
2. A wealthy society. In the past marriage was not merely
a decision of affection and companionship but sometimes a matter of necessity. How
could you maintain a house to live in while you were working all day in the
fields? How could you provide any income if you were taking care of your
children all day? The wealth of our culture has presented us with
options that were not available in the past. We see this in the care of widows.
In Bible times church support of widows was vital to the survival of Christian
widows with no family (cf. 1 Tim. 5:3-16). Now Social Security and generous
retirement accounts make it more rare for this need to arise. While this is
fortunate in many ways it also contributes to attitudes in our culture as a
whole that lead us to look at one another as if we don't need each other. A
wife may not feel as if she needs a husband. A husband may not feel any
responsibility to provide for a wife. This can contribute to discontentment.
3. The Feminist Movement. When the feminist movement
first began it was an attempt to address abuses. It advocated equal pay for
equal work, and sought to remedy situations in which women had been mistreated.
Now it has become a pulpit for viewpoints that are “anti-men” in
nature. Feminism now advocates pro-homosexual philosophies and opposition to
traditional families. It is now clear that this has led to a way of
thinking among some of both genders who say, “If I have problems in my marriage,
I don’t have to work them out, I’ll take care of myself!” When these
attitudes come into marriage it leads to discontentment. Sadly this has
left many in this world alone, bitter, unhappy, and struggling financially and
spiritually.
4. Selfishness. The heart focused solely on
its own needs, desires, and welfare is never content. It screams, “I want it
may way!”—“I’ll do my own thing.” Men seem to have more trouble with this than
women. I saw a study done some years ago that found that for every 100 hours of
leisure enjoyed by women men enjoy 141. (Women in the World Atlas, 12). What
does that tell us? No matter how much they work, or how hard their job, men
make sure they find time for themselves. It also shows (at least in marriage
situations) they do this for themselves, but they do not seek to make sure
their wives have time for themselves! That does not contribute to contentment.
This isn't always a male
problem. Men or women who come from homes where they have everything given to
them, when they get married find it hard to cope with a relationship that isn’t
like the home of their childhood. Selfishness can show itself in how we treat our
children. Are we more interested in our work than our family? Are we
unwilling to give our family the attention they need? This is selfishness
and it leads to discontentment.
What Is
Contentment in Marriage?
How to we define what it means to be content in our marriage
relationships? What does the Bible teach?
1.
It is not acceptance with no desire for improvement. Christians are to, “consider
one another in order to stir up love and good works” (Heb. 10:24). This is
true of our relationship to our spouse as it is true of our relationship to our
brethren. We should constantly work for the improvement of one another, but
this is not accomplished by...
•
Bitterness. Remember, husbands are
commanded “do not be bitter” toward their wives (Col. 3:19).
•
Nagging. The Holy Spirit declares, “A
continual dripping on a very rainy day and a contentious woman are alike” (Prov.
27:15).
•
Unfavorable
comparisons. Paul taught that the speech of a Christian should be “good for
necessary edification, that it may impart grace to the hearers” (Eph.
4:29). The husband or wives who would say to the other, “You sure aren’t like
so, and so!” does not edify and does not impart “grace.”
•
Withholding intimacy. The
Holy Spirit commands husbands and wives not to withhold affection from one
another except for times of prayer and fasting (1 Cor. 7:2-5). Using this close
and tender element of a marriage relationship for manipulation and
vindictiveness is wrong.
•
Threats
and violence. To threaten, “If you don’t do it my way, I’ll leave you!”—To tell
a mate, “If you do that you won’t touch me for a month!”—To raise a hand against
a companion is sinful, contemptible, and unjustifuabe!
•
Talking
bad about one another. The virtuous woman was said to have had the trust of her husband
because, “She does him good and not evil all the days of her life” (Prov.
31:12). We do not help a mate to better by spreading gossip about his or her
shortcomings to any who will listen.
Instead, we truly help each other do better by calm, objective
communication with one another. We help by positive reinforcement of good
qualities and actions, and loving patient help to overcome behavior that is
wrong. Husbands and wives must continue their courtship of one another. Paul
taught that husbands and wives seek to please one another (1 Cor. 7:33-34).
This can’t end when the vows are said! We may also say of contentment...
2.
It is cheerful adaptation to a situation even if it cannot be changed. Paul taught that the
Christian, by his relationship with Christ may find contentment in all
circumstances (Phil. 4:10-13). This must pertain to circumstances within
marriage as well. When improvement cannot be accomplished contentment must be a
quality within us rather than some ideal situation in which to live. This is a
world of tribulation and hardship (John 16:33). If that must characterize our
marriages, the Christian is in a unique position to be able to bring good
things out of very difficult circumstances.
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